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It Is Raining Cheese   

                                                           

 

                                                         

 

The days passed by as they do one by one raining wet water accompanied by thunder and lightening, always a thrill! Yet there’s a familiarity to it, more rain, gray and black, ho hum; sunshine, then rain, sunshine then rain, and more of the same. Then one day the weather center computers saw something strange on Doppler, a yellow hue to the incoming storm, big and bright and yellow? Lewis Brimstaff, the lead weather forecaster loudly announced to his colleagues in the spacious weather room about something absolutely wild he just saw on his computer screen?! They all quickly gathered round his screen seeing what Lewis saw, yellow, just yellow on Doppler! What was it? No storm had ever been yellow before? Blue, green, orange, gray, black and purple, but never yellow!

 

The weather center team dispersed throughout the weather room tapping at all their computer key boards, Googling facts, figures and speculating about…yellow? What storm could be yellow? Then Maureen Hankerchief, lead news anchor, stood up and yellowed "Cheese!" she sat down, red faced and embarrassed, tempting to gather herself while everyone stopped typing and emailing and calling and talking on their cell phones. They all just stopped. Lewis Brimstaff, the master Doppler configuration wizard and head meteorologist forecaster took another look at his computer screen, showing all the details of the storm as it approached and could not believe his eyes or nose for that matter! He saw in the screen what appeared to be bits of gooey cheese coming out of the clouds? Then he thought he smelled something warm gooey yummy cheese? He yelled, "Burt, did you make cheese sandwiches today in the lunchroom?" Bill yelled back, "no Lewis, I didn’t!" So it was not Burt's lunch! How could he smell cheese, Lewis thought deeply for what seemed like hours, but lasted a mere ten seconds? He grabbed his PDA, equipped with the newest innovation, a sensor for smelling and computing odoriferous elements, (smells). He ran outside as the storm was hovering over the weather building and the moment he stepped outdoors it smelled like cheese, deep breaths of cheese gathered into his nose, he could taste the stuff! He looked down as his PDA was whirling and beeping and collecting gigs of data confirming, cheese, glorious cheese! He sprinted over to his truck, slipping just as he approached the rig, only to have his PDA fall from his hand and smash into a thousand pieces falling into a pile of ooey gooey cheese that had lodging itself against his polished stainless steel Toyota wheels, he was peeved as he just washed the dang thing! His truck was partially buried in cheese. He wedged the door open, climbed in and tried to start the truck, it sputtered and popped, finally roaring to life! He put it in gear and nothing happened. He slammed the gas and his rig fishtailed back and forth as cheese whipped up past the driver window, creating a massive backflow of cheese that flew onto the hood. Lewis could tell he was not going to get anywhere as he yelled at the top of his lungs, only the windows were closed! Feeling like the fool he was, he turned off the engine, got out, slammed the door and hurriedly ran back into the weather building to study the cheese storm.

 

As Lewis entered the building, many of his staff ran past him to the outdoors, eager to see, smell and maybe taste cheese; they all raced around like kids on a play ground. Then the thunder sounded, muffled by the thickness of the cheese raining down as the burnt smell of cheese followed each bolt of lightening. Everyone scattered and took cover, like they had never heard thunder before? It was a crazy scene! The huge chunks of cheese splattered as each one hit the ground with a resounding thud! People ducked and hit the deck, yet some got nailed by the falling cheese balls of cheese; they were slightly warm to the touch. Yet, the cheese was not too dense so no one got seriously hurt. Some people even looked skyward and opened their mouths, grabbing a bit of cheese here and a bit of cheese there. Then Mark Burg, weather center intern, lost a tooth as a large piece of cheese struck him square in the chops, knocking out his left front tooth! After he got hit, he smiled stupidly and ran across the street to the 7 11 to get a disposable digital camera to take shots of what he was seeing. Maureen Hankerchief was out running around with everyone else collecting facts to write her evening story, interviewing fellow staff, and passersby, she was the first to get, the story! A real gem she was! She sprinted back in the weather center after collecting facts and figures because her long hair was horribly tangled and caked with freshly fallen warm cheese, she was not happy at all! It took her 3 hours to get it all out! She was amazed though, at how manageable her hair was after all the cheese infused itself, the best hair treatment she ever had!

 

For days and days it rained cheese, as if to catch up for something that hadn’t been done for ever. After the first storm finally stopped, the plows came in and pushed all the cheese into huge mounds; companies started peddling it like cigarettes on street corners. It was a cheap commodity, sold for five cents a pound so everyone who was anyone got blocks and blocks of the stuff. Prices began to inch up, as people realized they could earn a buck! Price wars ensued! Soon restaurants started changing their menus to cheese on every single entree  people loved it and they ate it up! Often, the eateries would simply serve a bowl of hot cheese soup with a sprig of rosemary to top it off or maybe a red onion! Fan clubs popped up and all internet Blogs constantly discussed this new phenomenon. 7 11 started selling cheese, and nothing else, no cigarettes, no candy, no soda pop or even chips or pork rinds, just simple blocks of yellow cheese, stacked all the way to the ceiling. They even started dressing their employees in yellow and changed the company colors to yellow!

 

Weather patterns kept up, sometimes a white storm would roll in depositing Swiss Cheese, a rare storm by all accounts. Special devices were made to collect the white cheese and only on certain weeks of the year would the companies who paid top dollar disperse the cheese at ridiculous prices, but people paid up! People loved every soft, fatty bite they could swallow! The restaurant owners and buyers waited in mile long lines at the new cheese manufacturing plants that replaced the likes of Intel, GM and Nabisco to get their orders in so they could feed their patrons who became too large to fit through the doors of the restaurants! Most restaurants had to feed their customers outside in large rented tents so the feeding could continue and never stop. The customers would sit, squeezed along side one another chewing, swallowing, and waiting for more cheese. They all sort of undulated together, jaws chewing, bellies filling, with little or no talking, very strange indeed. Cars, buses and trains were fitted with special super size seats and re routed to the restaurants, as regular business travel came to a stop, as people simply couldn’t fly anymore, the planes could not get airborne because of the girth of the passengers! Every last person became morbidly obese. Death rates from the gross amount of cheese consumed by people eclipsed cancer and smoking statistics and all other diseases. The buses and train companies changed their slogans to ‘Cheese Please’ so people would buy tickets and get them validated at the nearest restaurant, as the transportation business was in cahoots with the restaurant business to earn a cheap buck! The people came by the thousands just to hitch a ride so they could eat and eat and eat. Soon CNN launched a special 24 hour a day Cheese News to report the newest recipes, as everyone began to cook cheese! Tailgate parties, Super Bowl Parties, company picnics, anniversaries and the like, all cooked plain and simple cheese. Even baby names were getting business from cheese lore. Gouda, Havarti, Cheddar, Swiss, Blue and Bre, took the place of baby names like, Thomas, John, Lisa and Jane and Sam. Technology was close behind, the Pentium chip name was changed to Penchessium and all new computers from Dell came with a complimentary cheese cutter and block. Even Bill Gates of Microsoft added a special feature to Windows browsers to keep up the newest cheese research and development. The world was changing and all because of a yellow storm. Regular Rain water was extremely rare, as the planets eco system began to dry up and get sticky and gooey. All the trees began to droop, the animals began to hide away and get obese. Zoos closed down because they couldn't house the fat animals anymore. Travel by plane was banned, gas tanks on aircraft were not big enough to supply a full trip from point A to point B, as folks simply got too big for their britches.

 

All because of Cheese, the world changed. What happened, where did normal weather go? One day five years later Lewis Brimstaff, master Doppler configuration wizard and head meteorologist still working on finding out what had occurred back in ’06, found something strange in his research, something weird had happened to the sun. In his research he found that a sun spot had illuminated a part of the moon, causing a cooking effect, brewing bits of organic matter in the stratosphere of the Earth creating what is commonly know as cheese. He organized his research, called his buddy Dan with NASA and determined that a solution could be found to the raining cheese on the planet. So Dan Horsely, head of Space Probe Development and Organics or SPDO, made a specially designed probe, pointed at the sun to blot out the sun spot and interact with the moons light to restore normal rain to the Earth and stop the raining cheese effect. On March 4th, 2011 the probe was launched. About a year passed by before the probe reached the suns orbit. The probe then would emit chemicals and yellow lasers to counteract with the sun spots glare, reversing the effects of the raining cheese. It worked!

 

Soon the cheese stopped raining and normal rain began to fall, with occasional cheese balls here and there. The restaurants that had prospered since the influx of cheese back in ’06 began to one by one, close down. The others that had been around before the great Cheese pour as the event was known, eventually began to convert back to steak, chicken, fish and salads. Even the Chinese restaurants that changed over to Cheenese Food – changed their name back and paid homage to their heritage once again. Dan Horsely of NASA was hailed as a modern day miracle man and a statue was erected right in front of Rockefeller Center, in place of Hercules holding up the world.

 

During the Great Cheese Pour the Green Bay Packers made an extra 100 Billion dollars selling merchandise and game tickets to their football games, they won the Super Bowl every single year from 2006 to 2011. Cheese Heads ruled! After the cheese frenzy stopped, they didn’t even make the playoffs. The team was sold to a nondescript city on the west coast. After just three years, the team was on a winning streak again! 

 

During the Great Cheese Pour, thousands of health clubs closed down – as no one cared or even bothered to take care of their bodies, as heart disease and diabetes were at pandemic levels. Sadly, tens of thousands died of heart disease due to gorging on cheese day and night! Fortunately for the populous at large, the cheese rains stopped. Just six months after the last cheese ball fell, obesity dropped below critical levels and over weight folks began to take control of their health, reducing the threat of heart disease, diabetes, premature joint wear and tear. Activity in the form of structured exercise at gyms became commonplace for 89 percent of the US population. Insurance companies reworked their plans to accommodate fees for paid fitness training, just as they had for all sorts of other health related issues, finally! Mutual of Omaha lead the pack and even gifted their policy holders with new hybrid cars, when they got to their target body composition and body weight! The car industry was in the black! The economy had not seen stability like this in years! The US and the world was better off then ever before. War in Iraq finally ended due to cheese smothering and clogging up all the secret entrances and exits, washing the terrorists out! The good guys captured every last bad guy and peace was abound!

 

The exercise guru of all time, Jack LaLanne gave up trying to get people to exercise during the Great Cheese Pour, and gained 400 pounds! He almost died, but finally after the cheese pour stopped he lost it all and got down to his trim 150 pounds and pulled 100 boats across the Hudson River, attached to his pinkie toe! Unbelievable! Health clubs opened up once again, and fitness was in the air. Thousands of restaurants that could not keep their doors open converted to gyms. There were block long lines to get in every health club in every city in America every hour of the day! The FDA rewrote its policies to include cheese as a prescription drug, only to be used by a select few people with extremely low blood cholesterol – otherwise, it was banned as a food substance. Owners and trainers in health clubs finally felt validated for their efforts of touting cheese as being a food only to be eaten in minute quantities to avoid a shortened life span due to the intense levels of saturated artery clogging fat!

 

The moral of this story: Stop eating so much cheese!

 

 

written by : Coach Dan Höering : dan@fitnessintraining.com